"And the Award Goes to..."

September 24, 2003

This past Sunday, millions of North Americans tuned in to watch as the U.S. television industry held its annual Emmy Awards night.  In the spirit of recognizing “unique” performance, I thought it was worth acknowledging the cast of characters starring in the sordid dramas and comedies playing out every day in our national reality show directed from Ottawa by the federal Liberals. 

Best Supporting Actor in the Flip Flop Category:  Justice Minister Martin Cauchon for casting himself as the champion of same-sex marriage after he and his government overwhelmingly voted against it just four years ago. 

Best Supporting Actor in an Amnesia Role:  Paul Martin for his attempts to make Canadians forget that as Finance Minister for nine years, he funded the billion dollar boondoggles at Human Resources Development and the Federal Firearms Registry, cut core funding for our armed forces and health care, and accumulated a multi-billion dollar Employment Insurance surplus on the backs of Canadian workers and employers. 

Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy:  Heritage Minister and Liberal Leadership Candidate Sheila Copps for apparently not knowing (or caring) what she signs.  Ms. Copps blindly signed the expense claims for her former senior advisor, Charles Boyer, as he managed to ring up $31,000 dining out on the taxpayers tab in just two years.  Likewise, under her “control”, National Art Gallery director, Pierre Thiberge, stuck taxpayers with an average of $100,000 each year for the past six years on travel, hotel and restaurant bills.

Best Supporting Actor in a Disappearing Role:  Former Public Works Minister Alphonso Gagliano for his “disappearing act” to Denmark after allegations that he used his ministerial influence to prompt a crown corporation to hire his friends and political supporters for lucrative contracts. 

Since his exile to Denmark, where he earns $200,000 per year as Canadian Ambassador, Mr. Gagliano has made just one minor guest appearance hawking himself as the man to be Canada’s representative at the Vatican.  Rumour has it that his part was written out of the script when the papal test audience gave Mr. Gagliano’s audition a thumbs down. 

Best Actress in an Adventure Series:  Governor General Adrienne Clarkson for leading an apparently elite Canadian entourage on a 20-day, $1-million promotional trip to Russia, Finland and Iceland.  Ms. Clarkson’s entire performance was noteworthy, but it’s her famous line “I am above politics” that secured her this award. 

Lifetime Achievement Award for Porkbarrel Politics:  Jean Chrétien for his refusal to retire as Prime Minister until he has managed to ensure that his hometown of Shawinigan has been the recipient of every tax dollar and federal government make-work scheme possible.  Mr. Chrétien has also been busy appointing his most loyal supporters and his wife’s friends to lucrative federal patronage positions and the Senate.

Best Actor/Director in a Horror:  Paul Martin picks up his second award for signing on to direct the Liberal reality show that threatens to leave Canadians with a future filled with misplaced priorities, higher taxes and wasteful government spending.